Winchester Words

The not as Angelic Angel – A Short Play

The Actors:         2 middle-aged men, 1 middle-aged woman, 1 elderly man

Martin, a thick set, middle-aged guy wearing glasses and lounge wear with wellington boots.

Roger, a taller better-groomed man with smart leather jacket, slicked hair carrying a lump hammer.

Charlie, a bottle blonde, middle aged lady wearing lounge wear with a coat over the top. She’s carrying a mobile phone.

Sir Frank, an older man with somewhat pretentious upper middle-class bearing. Thinning hair, mustard cords, wellies and a Barbour jacket. He carries a pointed walking stick chair.

Stage set up:      All the action takes place in one Scene. Backdrop of an isolated farm cottage in the darkness with one dim light glowing from the sitting room window and the front door which is ajar.

The backdrop separated from the middle and front of the stage by a picket fence with an open gate. Behind the picket fence a country cottage garden in semi darkness.

Centre stage to the left, a white van with smashed windscreen and several dents in the bonnet. Could be just a front wing of a white van. Stage right the front of a second vehicle, a car with headlights on illuminating the stage. Could just be some headlights to illuminate the stage.

Synopsis:              There is an altercation about the tangled relationship between the three men and the woman who later appears. Unbeknown to either of the men, they are connected. Martin rents his cottage from a gentrified landlord, Sir Frank, who is an investor (an Angel) and gentleman farmer. Roger, the jilted, aggrieved, husband (Another Angel) is hoping to make a killing on a deal brokered largely by Sir Frank who has links with the upper classes that he couldn’t hope to achieve otherwise. Sir Frank knows his tenant and the lady, Charlie, who he has rightly assumed to be Martin’s girlfriend, but is unaware that she is Roger’s wife.

The Action:          The ‘lights’ go up to reveal Roger hitting the bonnet of the van and Martin hurrying down from the cottage.

Martin:                 What the fuck are you doing? Are you crazy? (shouting as walking briskly)

Roger:                  Shut it, you devious bastard! (Continues to hit van bonnet either side of speech)

Martin:                 Look, get away from the van now …or I’ll call the police. (In firm de-escalation voice)

Roger:                  Fine! Call them. Think you can come into my house, drink my beer, take my money and then fuck my wife! (Punctuates speech with hammer blows, shouting and pointing hammer for emphasis in Martin’s direction)

Martin:                 It wasn’t like that. Wrecking my van isn’t going to help …

Roger:                  (Interrupting) Yes, it bloody will! It’ll make me feel a whole lot better…you piece of shit. Perhaps I’ll stove your fucking head in too! See what kind of mess a hammer makes of your head!

Martin:                 Right, I’m going to call them if you hit that van once m…

Roger:                  Prick! See if I fucking care.

Martin:                 Okay, I warned you. They’ll be on their way, if you … (With resigned, exasperated tone looking back towards the cottage door)

Roger:                  Oh whoop-dee fucking do! You pathetic little shit. What gives you the right to walk into my life and take what’s mine eh? After what I’ve done for you too! Unbelievable! (Incredulously and ended with another hammer blow to the van)

Martin:                 Charlie! (Looks to cottage, before calling louder) Charlie! Call them, can you please. (With slight panic)

Roger:                  Oh Christ, don’t hide behind her, you spineless little wanker! (Mockingly)

Martin:                 Look, I’ve no intention of hiding behind anyone, Rog. You need to realise that she’s given you many, many, loyal years. (Exasperated shrugs) She’s exhausted, Rog. She can’t cope anymore. I didn’t have steal her away. She came willingly. (Self-righteously)

Roger:                  Really! (Sarcastically) Is that what you think. Yeah, right, keep telling yourself that, why don’t you. Makes you feel like less of a cunt, does it? Without me she’d have nothing. I’m the one who’s made the money, put her through college, made her the person she is!

                              (Charlie enters through the open cottage door and walks down path towards picket gate)

Charlie:                (Reassuringly) It’s ok Marty … they’re on their way.

Martin:                 (Trying to be reasonable) Look, Rog, I’ve nothing against you personally. I appreciate what you did for me … and my business. Your capital investment was crucial, but you’re not my only investor. (Sighs heavily) And, like I said, Chas had checked out of your relationship … long before me.

Roger:                  Without me, none of the other angels would have invested, you weasel. (Accusative and sarcastic) What kind of gratitude is this then, huh? Shagging my wife behind my back isn’t exactly the kind of return I was looking for, funnily enough, dipshit! (More questioningly)

Martin:                 As I said, she’s been drifting from you for years. It happens …

Roger:                  Oh yeah, so, what’s she been saying then?

Martin:                 She’s been unhappy … for the longest time. (pauses) What you need to try to understand is … well … money isn’t the answer to everything, Rog. If it hadn’t been me, she would have found someone else.

Roger:                  (With outrage) Oh great! So, anyone will do, eh? Been telling you what a total shit I am, has she! Left out the bit about me funding our lifestyle no doubt! About where I dragged her up from! I supported her… (with sudden realisation) I bloody well supported you! I support loads of people. I’m respected. You just can’t treat me like this.

Martin:                 (Trying to pacify Roger) Actually … it’s not personal … it’s been hard … she’s been crying a lot. Telling me how much she loved you. (Thoughtfully) Still does… I think. (More directly to Roger with firmer tone) But she says you’ve not been able to change. To take responsibility for being both a husband and a parent. Unfortunately, you haven’t been able to support her emotionally for years.

Roger:                  Bollocks! (Spat out derisively)

Martin:                 (arms out to make the point) Well, there … you see your reaction? Unwilling to learn, to grow … at least that’s what she says. I guess it’s hard to tell from the outside…but, well… perhaps she does have a point. I mean, look what you’ve just done to my car! (With slightly instructive condescension)

Roger:                  That’s just who I am. (Brushing off) I can buy you ten cars like this shitty little thing. (Arrogantly) She knew what I was like when we married. I can’t just change overnight can I! (Exasperatedly)

Martin:                               It’s been 24 years Rog! (Incredulously) That’s not overnight, is it?

Roger:                  24 years! (Like he’s only just realised it) Exactly! No way am I giving up on that, you sarky little bastard!

Charlie:                (Pleadingly with some degree of condescension) Look Roger, I know you’re in a heightened state. Please, can you just go … before the police ……

                              (Roger repeats his line over Charlie’s, ‘before the police’)

Roger:                  Heightened state! (Incensed) Heightened state! There you go with that la di da, bloody superiority crap. What kind of state do you expect me to be in? Weren’t so bloody clever when I met you, were you? Trying to belittle me with all your fancy words!

Martin:                She’s right Rog, this doesn’t get any better for you … unless you leave now. (Pauses) I won’t press charges.

Roger:                  (Sarcastically) Oh, how very kind of …

Martin:                 (Interrupting as the noise of a car door is heard off stage to the right)

 Well, here’s the pol …

Charlie:                (Interrupting) Ohh bugger! That’s all we need.

Martin:                 What …

Charlie:                (Interrupting) It’s Grayson!

Martin:                 Oh! My! God! (Drawn out, hanging head and wiping face with hand)

Charlie:                (With insistent earnestness) Roger, you really must calm down now. Grayson’s the   estate manager here. If he tells the landlord what’s going on, Martin’s tenancy could be in serious trouble.

Roger:                  Good! Time to really fuck things up for …

                              (Sir Frank enters stage right from around the headlights, facing Charlie and Martin with walking stick raised. Roger is passed by him and turns away from him towards the audience and looks like he wants to not be there)

Charlie:                (Surprised and obsequious, pivoting from her former expectations and informing the others who is here) Ahhh … ok. What a lovely surprise, Sir Frank. I didn’t expect to see you this late of an evening. (Roger spins to look at Sir Frank with alarm. Sir Frank focused fully on Charlie and Martin)

Sir Frank:             (With pompous slightly irritated bearing) Why, good evening, Charlotte! Didn’t quite expect to be out and about meself, as it happens. Blow me if Grayson isn’t off for a long weekend and Lady Caroline starts complaining about noises on the estate!

Martin:                 (Defensively and with hesitance) Oh, well … erm …

Sir Frank:             (With a superior, amused and accusatory inflection) Fact of the matter is, Martin, she said it was coming from the direction of your cottage. Thought I’d pop over to see what’s afoot. Well? (Pauses and looks at Charlie and Martin in turn) Have we a problem here? (Roger continues to look aghast)

Charlie:                It’s rather complicated, Sir Frank, but you see, I’d come over to … see Martin and …

Sir Frank:             (Swings around to face Roger for the first time) Good God! Roger! (Exclaims) What are you doing here?

Martin:                 (Shocked as he doesn’t know these men know each other) What! You know …

Roger:                  (Somewhat embarrassed he drops hammer on the ground and kicks it away surreptitiously) Sir Frank. What a … erm …

Sir Frank:             (With accentuated aristocratic tone) Speak up man! You look terrible. Are you unwell?

Charlie:                I didn’t realise you knew Roger, Sir Frank?

Sir Frank:             (With some sense of pride) Oh, yes, we’re both angels you see … investors. We’ve been working together on a regeneration project at the beach front. (Lost in his sense of self-importance, he stares off absently) It’s all poised ready for sign off as it happens. Roger here has the bulk of the capital, but I’ve the contacts. (Coming back to the here and now) I say, Roger, old chap, are you quite sure you’re well?

Roger:                  (Clutching head and speaking with some frailty) I think I need to sit. (Slumps on the ground against the damaged van)

Martin:                 Er, Sir Frank… (Somewhat nervously) To be clear … about the, er, noise situation. I came out a short while ago to find some youngsters trying to get into my van. I chased them off … with er, Roger here’s help. (Points at the seated Roger) He’s one of those that invested in my start up. That’s how I got the van. He’d, erm … popped over … (Hesitates and looks at Charlie) to pick up Charlotte. She’s his …

Charlie:                (Completing Martin’s sentence) I’m Roger’s wife. I’ve been coming over … to help Marty with … his marketing strategy these past couple of months. Don’t want Roger not to make a good return on his investment after all.

Sir Frank:             (Seeming to get what’s being offered up but slightly suspicious) Good lord. What a small world. Had no idea that Roger had anything to do with you Charlotte. Kind of thought you and Martin were sweethearts as it happens! All that computer dating stuff that you young people do, eh!

Martin:                 (Squirming with embarrassment) Erm … I …

Sir Frank:             (Interrupts Martin with indignant posh voice) Soo, chased the blighters off, did you? Well done the pair of you. Recognise any of em, did you? Bloody cheek. Coming onto the estate like that. This what happens when I agree Grayson can take his dogs with him. They wouldn’t want to mess with them, I can tell you!

Martin:                 (Warming to the story) I didn’t see their faces unfortunately. Just a lot of bad language … (Points to van) and damage to my van. I’m terribly sorry to have disturbed Lady Caroline and yourself this evening Sir Frank. All’s well now.

Charlie:                (Conciliatory) Yes, well … The van can be sorted. Insurance finally proves it’s …

Sir Frank:             (Interrupts with bluster) I’m sorry Charlotte, but bugger the inconvenience, Martin! You’re a fine tenant. I’m sorry to see your van so smashed up, but I’m even more concerned about Roger here. (Turns to face him) Look like you’ve seen a ghost! I do hope you’re not going soft on this deal at the beach. I’ve stuck my neck out over this. Truth is Charlotte, Roger doesn’t really have the right background … but an angel’s an angel, and he’s a bloody impressive track record.

Charlie:                I’m sure he’ll be fine Sir Frank. (With a rather cutting edge) When it comes to money Roger is very attentive.

Roger:                  (Weakly as he stands) I think perhaps I’d better go.

Martin:                 Yes, I think that might be best.

Roger:                  (Looks at Martin with intent) We’ll speak further.

Martin:                 Yes

                              (Roger turns to go towards his car, the one stage right with the headlights on, and stares at Sir Frank)

Sir Frank:             (With concern) Are you sure you’re ok? Our beach front deal’s still afloat, I’m hoping? (Adds, with surprise) Aren’t you going to take Charlotte? (With growing question in tone) She is your wife, after all!

Charlie:                (Blustering and trying to cover up) Ha, yes. Silly thing … though we (Looking at Martin) do still have a few marketing ideas to …

Sir Frank:             (With growing suspicion that all it not as presented) But it’s gone ten, must be almost eleven by now…

Martin:                 (Backing her up) Of course, Chas, Sir Frank is right, it’s late. Perhaps you should leave now, with Rog. (Laden with sarcasm) He is an angel, after all.

Robert:                (Spinning round aggressively) Hey, don’t … (Voice drowned by police siren)

Sir Frank:             (Siren stops) (Looking relieved and rather triumphant) Ahh. Here come the police. Good idea. Didn’t realise you’d called them. (Roger losses all aggression and sinks his head in his hands) Mind you, I think Roger here could do with an ambulance rather than the police! He looks ghastly! (All look at Roger who sinks back to the ground into a crouch as the lights off).